10 truths for working parents

This is not an easy time to be a working parent. We are living through a relentless intensification of work and parenting that has left most working parents feeling guilty, torn, confused, exhausted and struggling to fit all the pieces together.

Having supported tens of thousands of working parents for more than a decade, I’ve had the privilege of zooming out and discerning patterns that feel a lot less clear up close. Whether you are at the beginning of your working parenthood journey or right in the thick of it, I offer these ten truths as a way to help you find some clarity and work out what really matters.

1. Work/Life balance is always changing

The work/life balance that works at one moment, won’t be right at another. There will be periods when you are all in at work and other times when family takes priority. It’s never a perfect balance, just a constant juggle of reflecting and adjusting.

2. It’s not the number of hours that matters most

Parenting is about quality moments not quantity of hours. Every work pattern involves compromises. Work can impact your life both positively and negatively. Being a good parent is not about the exact number of hours you work but how you show up as a parent when you are with your children.

3. Boundaries are essential

Boundaries make working parenthood functionable – placing boundaries around workload, having firm boundaries around your time, putting boundaries in place for your children (even when they don’t like them). Get comfortable with drawing lines, communicating your non-negotiables and saying No – both at work and at home. Future you will thank you for it.

4. You will miss some important moments

Being a working parent inevitably involves trade-offs between irreconcilable demands. Those compromises feel uncomfortable. You will miss some work opportunities, some milestones, some events, some triumphs and some tears, and that’s ok. Being a good parent is more than putting your bum on a seat at every school assembly.

5. Doing it all ≠ being a better parent

Be mindful of the performance metrics you set yourself. You can set out to be the parent who always cooks food from scratch, who volunteers on the parent committee and coaches the Under 7s at the weekend, if that’s what is important to you. But don’t fool yourself that makes you a better parent. Parenting is about building a relationship with your children, tuning in to them and being able to respond in the ways they need. Judge yourself on that, not on the trimmings.

6. Stress negatively impacts parenting

Stress makes parents more likely to overreact, to jump to conclusions, and to judge our children more harshly. We are far less likely to slow down and connect with our children when we are stressed. Managing your stress levels proactively is one of the most important things you can do as a working parent (both for yourself and for your children).

7. If you don’t ask for help, you won’t get it

If you are hoping someone will read your mind and do the things you need them to do, you are just sowing seeds for resentment. Successful working parenthood is built on a solid infrastructure of support. Build your team at home as well as at work. Be direct about the help you want/need – don’t be a martyr or a I-can-coper (you’ll just burn out, which helps nobody). Tell people what you need from them, expect your children to do chores and negotiate hard at work for the support to make it all happen.

8. Communication is the foundation for successful co-parenting

Equal partnerships are built on a lot of talking. Talk about everything, at every stage. What are your values? Your family priorities? Your needs? Check in regularly to provide a forum for problem-solving so issues don’t fester. Get good at dealing with conflict positively. And find ways to demonstrate love and care in small ways, even when time is short and energy levels are low.

9. Joy matters

Without moments of joy, parenting is a lot of drudgery. A sequence of tasks that needs repeating the next day (and the next, and the next). It can be hard to make space for fun when you have so much to do and so little time – a sense of playfulness quickly gets squeezed out by the mental load and our heavy schedules. But enjoyment is an essential ingredient in a happy family life. Find the things that make your heart sing and your spirits soar and do those as often as possible.

10. You’ll never feel like you are getting it completely right

There will always be worries and challenges and you will always doubt whether you have got the balance right. Sometimes, it will feel like you are doing ok and then something will happen (at work or with the kids) that will throw it all off kilter again. We never really know if we are parenting right. We just keep trying, keep showing up, reflecting and connecting. And that is good enough (even if it doesn’t always feel like it is).